i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize
