she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
