You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
My penis needs a shock collar
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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