Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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