What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
