I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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