i just snorted my name. best moment ever
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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