He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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