My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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