Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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