Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
