Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Randomize
