im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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