Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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