My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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