I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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