Dude my mom stole all your condoms
it was like eating out sand paper
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
