Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
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