If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
