One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Randomize