i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize