Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
