Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
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