and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
