I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
