We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
