I accidentally had phone sex last night
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
