I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
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