we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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