everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize