I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
