Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
