You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
