You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
