Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
