I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
