Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
