The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
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