In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
