Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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