Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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