I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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