it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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