Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
why does every cop we meet know your name?
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
