this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
