I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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