Four minutes until I can fart!
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
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