I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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