All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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