fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
