I can text with my tongue
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
