I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
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