Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I did not marry a roomba.
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