sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
