I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
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