Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
