I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Randomize
