I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize