This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Randomize
