Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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