Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
