hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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